I’ll admit it: I’ve always valued efficiency.
At work, in conversations, even at home—I’ve focused on how to make things move faster, smoother, smarter.
That meant I often jumped straight to solutions.
If someone was struggling, I’d say, “Here’s what you should do,” assuming my experience gave me the right answer.
It felt productive… but the truth is, it didn’t connect.
People nodded politely, but their hearts didn’t move.
And now I understand why.
After reading The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Habit 5 hit me hard:
Real communication isn’t about talking—it’s about understanding.
Trust Before Technique
Covey explains that effective communication starts not with clever techniques, but with character.
You must first build a trustworthy personality—someone who truly listens, empathizes, and cares.
If you don’t have that foundation, no amount of “active listening” tricks will work.
People can sense when your words are hollow.
From now on, I’ve decided to focus on becoming the kind of person others can genuinely trust, not just the one who talks efficiently.
How to Truly Understand Someone
So how do we actually “seek first to understand”?
Covey suggests a simple but profound skill:
Rephrase what the other person says in your own words—reflecting both content and emotion.
Example: imagine a coworker feels discouraged because a production line issue caused delays.
The old me would have started with, “What caused the problem?”—focusing on my agenda.
But now, I’d start differently:
“That must have been really tough for you.”
“It sounds like you’ve had a rough day dealing with that.”
Once the person feels heard, I’d confirm understanding:
“So, if I understand correctly, the issue started mid-shift, right?”
Only then do we move to problem-solving.
It may seem slower—but in truth, it’s the fastest path to real progress.
Diagnose Before You Prescribe
Covey compares this to medicine:
A good doctor never prescribes before diagnosing.
Yet in daily life, we constantly “prescribe” without listening—giving advice before understanding the situation.
The result? Miscommunication, frustration, and shallow relationships.
Whether it’s your coworker, partner, or child, listen first, diagnose the real issue, and only then respond.
This is how trust and mutual respect grow.
Even with Difficult People
Even when you face someone who thinks completely differently, this habit still works.
Different paradigms aren’t obstacles—they’re opportunities.
When you listen deeply, synergy begins to form:
a new solution that neither of you could have created alone.
That’s the magic of Habit 5—it transforms conflict into creativity.
Conclusion – Understanding Is the Gateway to Influence
Habit 5 is more than just a communication skill—it’s a philosophy.
When you stop trying to be right, and start trying to understand, everything changes:
your workplace, your marriage, your friendships, even your self-image.
Before trying to be understood—seek first to understand.
And who knows?
That simple shift might change your entire life.
(Next up: Habit 6 – Synergize. But before that, I should probably understand you first 😉)
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